Leadership and the At-Risk child

A mother wrote me recently, to discuss her 12 year old son. The problem is that she is afraid her son is “Just Like His Father.” She is separated from the father who dominated and psychologically abused her for many years. Her son witnessed his father’s disrespectful attitude and has adopted many of the same behaviors.

The problem this mother (and many other mothers) have is that after years of subjugation, she is finding it very difficult to be assertive. Her son needs firm limits and guidance, but his constant challenge to her authority is very stressful for her.

It helps to understand why children challenge authority and why this challenge is physically so stressful. There exists within us all a drive for social dominance. This drive is similar to the drive for sex and the drive to eat. It creates a compulsion to do certain behaviors. The drive for social dominance creates a compulsion to be in control.

Children who are impulsive and have poor impulse control, have difficulty managing all their drives and emotions. The social dominance drive is no exception. Parents can help domineering children (also called strong willed children)by educating them about the social dominance drive. Although we all have this push from within us, we don’t have to be controlled by this or any drive/emotion. We can make choices about our behavior. To educated your child I highly recommend you watch together Animal Planet’s The Most Extreme Leaders Tuesday May 8th follow this link for times.

The most constructive outlet for the social dominance drive is leadership. To be a good leader in our species requires impulse control and empathy. Since many kids want to be leaders but lack these two skills, they often become physically or verbally aggressive to dominate by force. We need to teach our kids that this is neither effective nor acceptable leadership. Kids need social skills in order to lead, they have to be taught these skills.

Mothers also need leadership skills. In July, we will be releasing The Single Mother’s Leadership Guide. Email Dr. Leedom to preorder the book.

A difficult 4 year old: The boy who peed on his baby sister

I received a letter this week from the mother of an at risk child, it was very long, This is part one:

“I have a son who's 4 years old and he's very active, sometimes aggressive but at the same time he's loving and caring. Sometimes I really don't know what to do with him (he drives me crazy, to the point that I feel like not seeing him again), but don't get me wrong, I do LOVE him with all my heart and I can't live without him.

Yesterday he did something that was unthinkable and that's why I'm writing to you. Out of all of his pranks, this was the one that open my eyes that there may be something wrong with him. He brought my daughter (his sister) to the kitchen and told me that she spit on herself (she was all wet. her hair, clothes) I took him to his room and asked him to tell me what happened. Then he changed the story. This time he said that she spilled her milk on top of her. I knew it wasn't milk, because it didn't smelled like it. I told him that I had a camera in his room and that I was going to check the video to find out what happened. Then he's like: "ok! I'll tell you the truth... I peed on her... Ok!!, Im going on time out... I was like WHAT!!! You peed on her?!!!”

Parent’s feelings about at risk children

This note beautifully illustrates the dynamics of a relationship with an at risk child. Many but not all are loving during the preschool years. However, they have poor impulse control. The poor impulse control sets up a series of very negative interactions. Parents end up feeling a combination of love and hate for these children. These feelings on the part of parents are normal and understandable.

How to dig yourself out of this pit

First of all, 75% of kids more or less raise themselves because they have reasonable levels of impulse control; 25% require intensive parenting. Step 1 to a better life is acknowledging you have a child WHO REQUIRES CONSTANT SUPERVISION! Every time he gets in trouble when left alone and you feel the need to punish him, he is in a sense rejected by you. This constant rejection impairs his ability to love.

Step 2 is to use supervision wisely to set your at risk child up for success. Keep your at risk child constantly with you and help him find things to do. You will have to specifically train him to occupy himself while you are busy. Step by step instructions for how to do this are found in The Child Well-Being Workbook.

If your at-risk child is very active, managing him requires an exercise plan. Children need 1 hour of exercise a day. Make your life easier. Take him out to exercise before you try to get anything done.

About the boy who peed on his baby sister

At risk children respond to their impulses, if given the opportunity to do so. Little boys like to pee! It gives them a feeling of power, and may be somewhat sexual. Every time a child has the opportunity to act on an impulse like this he will take it. When he enjoys the act, no amount of punishment after the fact will undo that enjoyment. At risk kids respond to pleasure more than they respond to pain.

This is what the mother did in response to the incident, “I took the baby out of the room and spank him on his butt... How could you do that? Why you did that? He said that the baby was teasing him (the baby is 1 yr) and that she's always hitting him. I asked him if that was the right way to act, he said no. I explained to him that she didn't know and to let me know when she hits him or does something to him that he doesnt like... I asked him how would he feel if I or somebody else peed on him... he said that he wouldn’t like that...”

The spanking part likely did nothing here. Spanking after the fact does not undo the earlier pleasure he got from the act. Think about yourself, if you eat a delicious peice of chocolate cake does the punishment of weight gain stop you from eating it again?

Verbal reprimands serve a purpose

Talking to the at risk child about managing impulses is very important. He can build the verbal part of his brain and use these verbal lessons to control himself next time. The explanation was good. Verbal lessons should be short, so that the child can remember them. I would say, “The only place we pee is in the toilet.” Then have the child answer the question, “Where do we pee?” Then say, “Do not pee on anyone else, that is not nice!” To ask, “How would you like it if someone peed on you?” is good. That trains the child to be empathetic.

When the verbal lesson is over, LET IT GO! At risk children have many impulses, you will likely face another tomorrow.

What can we learn from the Dog Whisperer?

One of the most watched shows in our house is Cesar Millan's The Dog Whisperer. I believe that parents can learn a great deal about parenting from this show. There are certain similarities between getting along with a child and getting along with a dog.

The first principle of getting along with a dog that Cesar so beautifully illustrates in all of his shows is, "To get along well with a dog you have to be the leader!" If you do not lead the dog, he/she will try to lead you. Life with a dog who tries to tell you what to do is most unpleasant.

Good parenting also boils down to leadership. If a parent fails to lead, often a child will attempt to fill the leadership void. Life with a child as your leader is also most unpleasant. However, the consequences of failed parental leadership for a child are even more grave. Children require an understanding of parental authority in order to develop moral reasoning ability and impulse control.

Last night one of my Child Development students discussed her boyfriend's childhood. Father left the home when her boyfriend was 6 and his younger brother was 4. Mother was devastated and never recovered. When father left, he told his eldest son, "Now you are man of the house." Since mother abrogated her leadership role, the family is still lead by my student's boyfriend.

Hearing this story, I said to my student. The outcome of this situation depends on the amount of inborn impulse control a child has. A child with a lot of natural impulse control, will become a leader and a care-taker in this situation. However, this situation will rob the child of his childhood. For children with average to poor impulse control, parental abrogation of authority has dire consequences. These children develop antisocial behavior and/or addiction. My student said, "Wow! That is my boyfriend's younger brother." Even though the eldest son tried to provide leadership and love to his younger brother, being parented by another child was inadequate. The younger brother failed to develop impulse control and moral reasoning. He has been arrested multiple times and is addicted to drugs.

Single mothers can have difficulty in the area of leadership. Many women have not had training in leadership. Many women also believe that their role is to nurture and love as opposed to lead.
Single mothers need to develop leadership skills and deal with any barriers to leadership they might be experiencing. Anxiety and depression interfere with a mother's ability to lead. Since these disorders are very common in women, these disorders pose a threat to child well-being. Recent studies reveal high rates of antisocial personality disorder in the sons of depressed mothers.

If you are a single mother consider this information carefully. If you suffer from depression, get help. There are now very good treatments for depression. You can also learn leadership skills and better lead your family.

Why are America's college students abusing drugs and alcohol?

This week, USA Today reported that nearly half of the nation’s 5.4 million college students abuse drugs or drink alcohol to excess at least twice a month. 22.9% of students meet the medical definition for alcohol or drug abuse or dependence — a compulsive use of a substance despite negative consequences — compared with 8.5% of all people 12 and older.

What is responsible for the increase in substance abuse among college students in America? I believe the increase is due to lack of development of the Inner Triangle, which is a common problem in young people today. Remember that the Inner Triangle is our Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. These develop in a mutually dependent manner in concert during childhood and adolescence.

Why would a problem with Ability to Love, Impulse Control and/or Moral Reasoning lead to substance abuse and ultimately to addiction? First consider Ability to Love. The enjoyment of loving relationships has to be a person’s number one joy in life. When love of friends/family is not number one, a person seeks to fill the void. Often the void is filled with substances of abuse, food or even sex.

Poor Impulse Control is associated with excessive thrill seeking or sensation seeking. This sensation seeking correlates highly with substance abuse and unsafe sexual behavior during adolescence and young adulthood.

Moral Reasoning is the way we think about moral values, and the way these values guide our behavior. College students who are not trying to do their best are lacking in moral values.

Why would a problem with the Inner Triangle be so prevalent today? The reason is parenting. Parents today are too busy and too burdened to model, influence and teach Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. To give your child the gift of a well-developed triangle takes time and effort. Children and Teens need lots of quality time with the right adults or they will not fully develop the Inner Triangle.

The models and influences of our popular culture that surround or children and teens impart poor Ability to Love, poor Impulse Control and bankrupt moral values. The proof of this is in the fact that these models (like B. Spears), themselves suffer with defective Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning!

To counteract these influences, parents must keep themselves in the center of their children’s lives for as long as possible. Do not abandon your child/teen to his peer group. Peers should not raise your child, you should. If you need to take corrective action, start by spending time with your child/teen. Gradually shift his/her time away from unsupervised peer activities toward supervised activities. The more time your child/teen spends growing as a person, the better developed his/her Inner Triangle will be.

Daily lessons for an at-risk child

When I reviewed the scientific studies for my book, I discovered that there may be some things parents can do to prevent ADHD or perhaps lessen symptoms. One theme that repeated over and over in many studies was that a close parent child relationship was associated with better impulse control in children. Remember though, that this correlation SUGGESTS but DOES NOT PROVE that a close relationship prevents impulsivity.

Cross-cultural studies also suggest that physical holding of infants and much physical affection toward young children decreases impulsivity as children mature. There is little doubt that an at-risk child needs plenty of time spent loving every day. This daily time spent loving will also lessen the complications of ADHD. It is likely that it is much harder to have a close relationship with an impulsive child. These children protest a great deal when their desires are not being gratified.

The goal with at-risk children is to help them to fully develop Ability to Love. Ability to love involves both enjoyment of affection and care-taking behavior. It is possible for children to enjoy being affectionate and yet not learn care-taking behavior. Think about it, loving without care-taking is rather empty and meaningless. Our children need lessons in care-taking every day.

Teaching kids care-taking can be tricky. I am not suggesting that it is healthy for a child to be burdened with the responsibility of taking care of everyone else at the expense of his childhood. Somewhere between over-indulgence and excessive burden is the happy medium of teaching care-taking. In between times of playing and enjoyment a child needs to be directed to take care.

Tips for teaching care taking

At-risk kids need care-taking lessons repeated every day. Teaching care-taking occurs with teaching manners. For example, have you noticed your child run for a door, open it and go through without a thought regarding who is behind him? Teach your child to stop and look to see if anyone else wants to enter or exit. Teach him to hold the door for other people especially if they are elderly or handicapped. In this way lessons in care-taking and manners go hand in hand with lessons in impulse control. When you teach a care taking behavior to your child, follow your instructions with the statement, “We all have to take care of each other.” If your child hears this everyday it will eventually sink in!

Pets are also a good vehicle for teaching care-taking. Often however, a pet comes into the family, children are told the pet is their responsibility and mother ends up with yet another being to care for. To avoid this trap, have your child accompany you while you both care for the pet. Ask him to retrieve food and water dishes, clean the cage with you etc. If you have a dog, insist your child walk with you and the dog every day. Don’t give him the option of saying, “No!” When you have a dog you have to take care of him even when you think you have better things to do.

Children also learn care-taking through chores. Again, at-risk children may not be capable of doing chores alone. Instead, do them together. The important lesson your child learns is that he has to stop playing awhile to spend time taking care. This also builds impulse control.

At-risk children are often preoccupied with ideas of power. For example a child will say, “I’m as big as you.” Or “I’m Superman.” When you hear your child boast of his power, use this as an occasion to say, “Since you are big, you have to help take care of things.” Use your child’s drive for power to his benefit. Teach him daily that power means responsibility and care-taking not just privilege.

The price of not learning care-taking

People who are power-motivated and have no concept of caring for others, have an enormous sense of entitlement. The price you will pay for not teaching care-taking will be your child developing a sense of entitlement. This entitlement means that he believes it is everyone else who must take care of him. A child raised in this way will not be capable of functioning as a parent or spouse. Teaching your child care-taking may involve upsetting him. Why should he slow down to help an older person? Why should he put down the videogame to walk the dog? Sometimes children have to feel uncomfortable in order to learn important lessons. If this is your situation, and your child complains and protests, don’t give up. Keep insisting he put his own needs and desires aside a little every day to take care.

Make your New Year's Resolution stick

In the New Year many people resolve to live healthier lives with the hope of losing weight. Recent studies indicate that weight loss and successful life change are dependent upon a person’s impulse control. As I discussed in Study links mother's poor impulse control with obesity in children, impulse control determines a person’s ability to choose healthier foods over very tasty fattening alternatives. A mother’s modeling of impulse control when it comes to food, helps children acquire this skill.

Further support for a link between impulse control and obesity in children comes from a recent study, Relationship of childhood behavior disorders to weight gain from childhood into adulthood published in Ambul Pediatr. 2006 Sep-Oct;6(5):297-301. In this study Dr. Anderson and colleagues followed 655 kids for 20 years into adulthood. They found that impulse control disorders (like ADHD) were associated with obesity that began during childhood and continued into adulthood.

In the light of this recent scientific data, we can surmise that knowing how to strengthen impulse control is important in seeing your New Year’s Resolution stick. Willpower is another word for impulse control. The most important thing to know about willpower is that it is a finite resource and can be used up. Stressful life events and daily hassles use up our willpower and this is why people tend to eat fattening foods in the evening. Focused academic problem solving also tends to use up willpower, as the brain gets tired. Willpower is strengthened by sleep, relaxation and social support. A healthy diet will also strengthen impulse control and will power.

Help your child and yourself keep that New Year’s Resolution by not stocking up on unhealthy foods. Share plenty of affection and get plenty of rest. If you and your child are under stress try to eliminate the sources of stress. Cope with tension by taking walks together for 30 minutes a day.

Sticks of gum and bandages

Like many children between 3 and 6 my son LOVES sticks of gum and bandages. How long do these items last in your house? We visited a friend recently and were in the child's play area when the boy opened his drawer and showed us bags and bags of gum and band aids. I said to his mother, "I think my son would chew all those pieces of gum in one day and cover his entire body with band aids if he had a drawer like this!" His mother then said she was able to teach her son to conserve. What a valuable lesson!

Scientists do not understand much about how children learn to control their impulses (see http://www.parentingtheatriskchild.com/impulse%20control.html). However, we know that impulse control is like a muscle, it improves with exercise. Good impulse control also predicts success in many spheres including academic and emotional development.

My friend is not a child development expert or professional. She instinctively knows that good parenting means teaching impulse control. Some children are naturally born with a good deal of ability to learn impulse control while others have more difficulty learning. Children of both high and low ability need to practice.

I suspect that consistent daily practice of impulse control really adds up for kids. I found that my 3 year old was also able to learn to save his gum and band aids. It took time, and he sometimes still swallows his gum, but he is more capable than I thought.

Helping a child with daily exercise of impulse control takes time and can be very draining. For example, my son is capable of dressing himself (with minimal help), but he would rather talk and play while I dress him. If we are rushed it is tempting to just go ahead and dress him. But then he misses out on the experience of putting fun aside to concentrate on a boring task. Daily exercise of impulse control also happens when we refuse to grant a child his wishes when he is nagging and/or crying. Again it takes time to say, I'm not going to get _____ for you now because you are nagging/crying. It also takes a parent's willingness to tolerate a child's discomfort.