Enhance your child's moral reasoning with tools for teaching moral values

Just Like His Father? A Guide to Overcoming Your Child's Genetic Connection to Antisocial Behavior, Addiction and ADHD, AND The Child Well-Being Workbook introduce parents to the idea that genes code for temperament, and that temperamentally at risk children need intensive parenting. The books also provide a framework for that intensive parenting which takes at least 15 years.

The intensive parenting that at risk children require involves encouraging the development of three specific abilities I have called the Inner Triangle. These abilities are 1) Ability to Love 2) Impulse Control and 3) Moral Reasoning. On a regular basis I want to provide you with even more tools for parenting your at risk child.

Just Like His Father? and The Child Well-Being Workbook both include chapters on enhancing your child's moral reasoning ability. The process by which children come to understand morality is called moral development. During moral development, kids learn moral values. Values are emotional connections to ideas. So moral development means to fully possess the moral emotions of caring, guilt, respect and shame, and knowing moral rules. We may not think that guilt is a good emotion to experience. While excessive guilt is not good, recent studies show that too little guilt is a cause of behavioral problems. In order to have respect, children and teens must be capable of shame. So while shame is not a positive force in a child's life, it is important that children be capable of shame. Many child development experts agree that today's parenting practices are not helping children develop the capacity for moral emotions.

I have recently reviewed a number of parenting aids that will help you enhance your child's moral development. These may be found at The Parent's Store, Character Building Page and are all affordable. All the products in the character building section of the store will help parents of elementary school children and teens teach moral values. Moral values are a combination of moral thoughts and moral emotions. Moral values lead to positive character traits like caring, citizenship, cooperation, courage, fairness, honesty, respect, and responsibility.

Among current the list of recommended resources is a great book for kids What Do You Stand For? By Barbara A. Lewis. There is also a teen version of this book. The true stories, inspiring quotations, thought-provoking dilemmas, and activities in this book help kids grow into capable, moral teens and adults. This award-winning book is a must for parents of at risk kids.

There is also a book for young children, 26 Big Things Small Hands Do written by Coleen Paratore and Illustrated by Mike Reed. AGES 1-4, Go beyond “A is for Apple” with an alphabet book that builds character. As children learn and review their ABCs, they discover positive actions they can perform with their own small hands—like applauding, building, giving gifts made with love, helping, planting, recycling, and volunteering.

There are also games, magnets and stickers that promote positive character traits and values.

I am continually adding pages of resources to The Parent's Store. Some pages are simply links to recommended books, games and toys. If you have a product you would like me to review for inclusion, email me.

What can we learn from the Dog Whisperer?

One of the most watched shows in our house is Cesar Millan's The Dog Whisperer. I believe that parents can learn a great deal about parenting from this show. There are certain similarities between getting along with a child and getting along with a dog.

The first principle of getting along with a dog that Cesar so beautifully illustrates in all of his shows is, "To get along well with a dog you have to be the leader!" If you do not lead the dog, he/she will try to lead you. Life with a dog who tries to tell you what to do is most unpleasant.

Good parenting also boils down to leadership. If a parent fails to lead, often a child will attempt to fill the leadership void. Life with a child as your leader is also most unpleasant. However, the consequences of failed parental leadership for a child are even more grave. Children require an understanding of parental authority in order to develop moral reasoning ability and impulse control.

Last night one of my Child Development students discussed her boyfriend's childhood. Father left the home when her boyfriend was 6 and his younger brother was 4. Mother was devastated and never recovered. When father left, he told his eldest son, "Now you are man of the house." Since mother abrogated her leadership role, the family is still lead by my student's boyfriend.

Hearing this story, I said to my student. The outcome of this situation depends on the amount of inborn impulse control a child has. A child with a lot of natural impulse control, will become a leader and a care-taker in this situation. However, this situation will rob the child of his childhood. For children with average to poor impulse control, parental abrogation of authority has dire consequences. These children develop antisocial behavior and/or addiction. My student said, "Wow! That is my boyfriend's younger brother." Even though the eldest son tried to provide leadership and love to his younger brother, being parented by another child was inadequate. The younger brother failed to develop impulse control and moral reasoning. He has been arrested multiple times and is addicted to drugs.

Single mothers can have difficulty in the area of leadership. Many women have not had training in leadership. Many women also believe that their role is to nurture and love as opposed to lead.
Single mothers need to develop leadership skills and deal with any barriers to leadership they might be experiencing. Anxiety and depression interfere with a mother's ability to lead. Since these disorders are very common in women, these disorders pose a threat to child well-being. Recent studies reveal high rates of antisocial personality disorder in the sons of depressed mothers.

If you are a single mother consider this information carefully. If you suffer from depression, get help. There are now very good treatments for depression. You can also learn leadership skills and better lead your family.

Why are America's college students abusing drugs and alcohol?

This week, USA Today reported that nearly half of the nation’s 5.4 million college students abuse drugs or drink alcohol to excess at least twice a month. 22.9% of students meet the medical definition for alcohol or drug abuse or dependence — a compulsive use of a substance despite negative consequences — compared with 8.5% of all people 12 and older.

What is responsible for the increase in substance abuse among college students in America? I believe the increase is due to lack of development of the Inner Triangle, which is a common problem in young people today. Remember that the Inner Triangle is our Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. These develop in a mutually dependent manner in concert during childhood and adolescence.

Why would a problem with Ability to Love, Impulse Control and/or Moral Reasoning lead to substance abuse and ultimately to addiction? First consider Ability to Love. The enjoyment of loving relationships has to be a person’s number one joy in life. When love of friends/family is not number one, a person seeks to fill the void. Often the void is filled with substances of abuse, food or even sex.

Poor Impulse Control is associated with excessive thrill seeking or sensation seeking. This sensation seeking correlates highly with substance abuse and unsafe sexual behavior during adolescence and young adulthood.

Moral Reasoning is the way we think about moral values, and the way these values guide our behavior. College students who are not trying to do their best are lacking in moral values.

Why would a problem with the Inner Triangle be so prevalent today? The reason is parenting. Parents today are too busy and too burdened to model, influence and teach Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. To give your child the gift of a well-developed triangle takes time and effort. Children and Teens need lots of quality time with the right adults or they will not fully develop the Inner Triangle.

The models and influences of our popular culture that surround or children and teens impart poor Ability to Love, poor Impulse Control and bankrupt moral values. The proof of this is in the fact that these models (like B. Spears), themselves suffer with defective Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning!

To counteract these influences, parents must keep themselves in the center of their children’s lives for as long as possible. Do not abandon your child/teen to his peer group. Peers should not raise your child, you should. If you need to take corrective action, start by spending time with your child/teen. Gradually shift his/her time away from unsupervised peer activities toward supervised activities. The more time your child/teen spends growing as a person, the better developed his/her Inner Triangle will be.